Hello Leafs Nation, it is me Paul Marner, father of Mitchell Marner the single greatest hockey player to have ever laced them up.

First of all, I would just like to thank you all for your patience throughout these silly negotiations as it means the world to myself. And also Mitchell. Means the world to Mitchell as well.

As you undoubtedly know, it’s been a long summer over here at Camp Marner. Sorry. Excuse me for one second.

“CYCLE THE FUCKING PUCK MITCH YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!”

Sorry about that. Mitchell can be forgetful sometimes.

As I was saying it has been quite the summer. Hoo boy. When I’m not busy attending the Bonnie Lindros School of Player Management and Relations, or having coffee at The Darren Dreger Café, I’m single-handedly trying to derail what’s left of any goodwill between my son, the city of Toronto and the Toronto Maple Leafs organization. Like I said, it’s been a very busy off-season over here at Casa Paul.

Jeez. Sorry, just a sec.
“I SAID FINISH YOUR FUCKING CHECKS MITCH YOU SACK OF SHIT!!!!!!”
He’s so adorable.

Do you know who is not adorable? Auston Matthews. Fuck that guy, he sucks and I am better than him and so is my son Mitchell.

I know it may appear to you peons that I’m holding the team and the city hostage. And this pains me because that is certainly not the case. I simply find it insulting that Kyle Dubas would have the AUDACITY to table $11 million AAV.

$116.1 million. Like, frig right off!! Is this guy stupid? Who in their right mind would settle for $11 million dollars a year. This is simply NOT PALATABLE.

Sorry, just a moment.
“MITCH!!!!! YOU’RE SLEEPING UNDER THE STAIRS WHEN YOU GET HOME YOU LITTLE DICK!!!!!”

He is such a card.

Now you may say ‘but Paul, Mitch is 23 can’t he make his own decisions?’

First off, how dare you challenge my authority. I am Paul Fucking Marner.

Secondly, no. He can’t make his own decisions. Mitchell still uses a chair to stand on to get cereal out of the cupboard.

Do you know what would happen if I had let Mitchell negotiate this deal by himself??? He would have taken that $11million AAV and ran with it like a clown. Like a stupid little clown who is the best hockey player on the Toronto Maple Lea – DUMP AND CHASE MITCHELL YOU LITTLE BITCH!

Sorry about that, following instructions is NOT his strong suit. Which is why I’m here.

This whole negotiation has been an exercise in insult, and Kyle Dubas and Auston Matthews are to blame.

It’s GAME DAY ! #NHL20 is here RT if you’re playing as the @mapleleafs tonight pic.twitter.com/rnyDA2dkpg

— Auston Matthews (@AM34) September 13, 2019

I’m just trying to do what is right for Mitchell. And only Mitchell. And maybe for myself too. One day this will all get settled and we can all sit back and say “Wow. That Paul Marner is a shrewd negotiator”. Sure Mitchell might be wearing a Winnipeg Jets jersey at that point, but the point remains that I am the best and only I know what’s right for Mitchell.

I’d like to thank you all for your time, and lastly, go fuck yourselves Toronto!

this article was written as a satire piece

WATCH THIS– this is what Mitch is dealing with