I’m a BIG live and let-live guy – almost to a fault. Honestly? It’s way easier to REALLY employ the “live and let live model. It’s so much less work; it’s ridiculous. I don’t know where overly involved people find the time to give a shit about things they can’t control, not to mention the negativity.

HOWEVER, I have a message for the older gentlemen. You know, the one who shows up to work after sporting a completely different hair color.

I have two simple words: We know.

Here’s the thing: It’s impossible for us not to know, and if you think you think we don’t know, we know. Like William Hung’s parents should have told him, trying out for American Idol was a bad idea – don’t do it. 

I get that YOU might feel like it makes you feel better or younger, but it’s hard for the rest of us. It puts us in an emotional corner. Do you know how hard it is not to stare at it when we’re talking to you? And when we do, and you catch us, we know you judge us, and that makes us feel like assholes for staring at what’s been painted on.

Going bald? Shave that fucking thing. I don’t know a single woman who’d refuse it because you’re bald. However, I know women who’d rather not have paint on their bedsheets in the morning.

And let’s talk about How much cheaper and easier it is to shave your head instead of donning those hairy dye kit gloves and standing in front of your mirror greasing paint into your head for thirty minutes before a big morning meeting. You don’t need that shit.

When your face looks like a 95-year-old elephant’s nutsack, and you have jet-black hair.

When you have great eyebrows and beards but no gray hair.

When hair dye streams down your face on a hot day.

When you’re 82-year-old UBER famous Tom Jones (RIP)

I’m not here to tell you you shouldn’t dye your hair. I’m saying don’t do it. It’s socially irresponsible, and it’s an asshole move when you judge us for not being able to not stare at your head. Some of you might think you’re being sneaky. And as cute as that is, it’s not. It’s disrespectful and disingenuous.

Jesus Christ.

You’re welcome. I mean that. You don’t want to be a cautionary tale or a joke at a family reunion or a Christmas party. Work or family Christmas party. Family Christmas parties are worse because they all saw you 5 Christmases ago.

Please think of me as the Ghost of Christmas past, present, and future. I’m saving your confidence ten years from now when you live in the painful regret of that five-year stretch where you lived in the anxiety of wondering if people can tell.

We can.