Costco has decided to join the doomsday prepper movement in a world hurtling towards 9 billion hungry mouths by 2037. Their latest offering is a 25-year shelf-life emergency meal kit that’s causing quite a stir among those who like to plan ahead—way ahead.

For just under $100, you can now stock your bunker with 150 servings of dehydrated delights, ranging from pasta alfredo to teriyaki rice. But let’s talk nutrition because you’ll need more than just flavor to survive when the world goes sideways. These Readywise kits pack a punch with over 1,900 calories and 50+ grams of protein daily. That’s enough to keep you fighting fit, whether battling zombies or just trying to outlast your annoying neighbors.

FEAR SELLS, BABY.

If there’s something retailers have learned from the last ten years and MAGA’s spearheading of the fear commerce movement, it’s that fear sells anything, including staples like food. Readywise went with ‘natural disaster’ messaging instead of the impending ‘civil’ war messaging—threats of impending death matter when you are selling a skid of astronaut food to morons.

And like most fear-based commerce items, this appears to be a scam according to those who reviewed them.

“1000% a scam,” according to this dude.

@yodietv

Readywise emergency food supply DO NOT BUY!!! Luckily I complained enough to get my money back. If you were actually saving these for an emergency and didn’t open until it’s time you’d be effed #readywise #readyhour #emergencyfoodsupply #emergencyprep

♬ original sound – Yodie

According to Readywise’s site, the product helps consumers prepare for unpredictable events, invoking climate change-related havoc in its website copy.

“There is an increase in weather-related events: hurricanes, wildfires, and floods,” it states. “Although we can’t control these events, we can prepare for them. ReadyWise offers high-quality, ready-made dehydrated, and freeze-dried emergency food to help you deal with emergencies and protect you and your loved ones.”

The kit’s 25-year shelf life is particularly intriguing. It’s as if Costco is saying, “Hey, we’re not sure when the world’s going to end, but we’ve got you covered until at least 2049!” By then, who knows? We might fight over the last drops of water or battling sentient AI to control the planet. But let’s not get too doom and gloom. After all, this is a fun blog post! Think of all the exciting ways you could use this kit.

New Civ 7 release week plan just dropped. https://t.co/dEEnsmyKH6

— David Moscrop (@David_Moscrop) July 15, 2024

A camping trip gone wrong? No problem, crack open that teriyaki rice. Unexpected in-laws visit extending to 25 years? You’re prepared! In all seriousness, though, the popularity of these kits reflects a certain unease in our current global climate. With nearly 282 million people facing high levels of acute food insecurity in 2023, it’s not surprising that people are looking for a little extra security – even if it comes in the form of dehydrated pasta. So, whether you’re genuinely concerned about the future or want to be the most prepared person at your next dinner party, Costco’s got your back, and they don’t mind triggering you into buying space food for your cave-dwelling, just in case…

And hey, if the world doesn’t end in the next 25 years, you can always use it for an epic “vintage” food-tasting party in 2049! Remember, in a world of uncertainty, at least you can be confident about one thing: your emergency food supply will outlast most of your current relationships, your car, and possibly even that plastic bag floating in the ocean. Now, that’s what I call shelf-stable security! As we hurtle towards a population of 9 billion by 2037, perhaps we all started thinking about our long-term food security. After all, with how things are going, those 1,900 calories a day might start looking pretty good to the other 8,999,999,999 people out there. So, stock up, hunker down, and remember – in the apocalypse, the one with the most dehydrated meals/ammo/old-school porno mags and penicillin wins!