SO I’ve written 3 of these, I figure.  One at 9 months.  One at 2 years and one at 3 years.

It’s funny because I used to really look forward to doing it.  Almost like a reminder to you, or someone that I was still here, hoping to impress you all with my KILLER willpower and bright promises.

This week I’ve been sober for 4 years.  I was reminded of it by this Jann Arden tweet celebrating 5 years which was fucking super cool to see because I had no idea she was in the club.  I forgot about my ‘sober’ date until Jann’s tweet which means…I’m focused on the right things now and what a fucking TRIP!

The last drink I took was on a vacation with my ex.  I RUINED the trip by acting like a HUGE asshole one night (I stretched out the year).  At the time I thought the fucking world was ending.  EVERYONE hated me (righteously) and I hated myself.  I was a broken, lying, entitled, scared, lost 44-year-old who was drinking himself numb every night.

Today, I’m closer to my kids than I’ve ever been.  I’m fulfilled daily by meaningful work where I have autonomy and security.  I have a life philosophy and know what brings me sustainable happiness and what’s truly valuable.  I want to learn more than I want to be heard.   I have meaningful friendships with people I like and value and who value me in return.

In short, EVERYTHING has changed and I feel like I won the lottery.

I’m comfortable in my skin for the first time (ever) and I needed to quit drinking to do it.  It was the starting point and the single hardest thing I’ve ever had to do not because it’s hard to stop drinking, but because of what came with it.

I had to admit that there was something wrong.  I had to stop pretending I was someone I wasn’t.  I had to spend time learning about who I really was.  I had to step away from toxic culture and have hard conversations with people.  I had to end my relationship and move on because it wasn’t good for me or my kids.  I’ve had to develop healthier habits and audit my selfishness in real-time.

There were plenty of shit days and shit weeks.  In the first year, the fact I couldn’t drink was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of before I went to bed.

Now, I sleep like a fucking baby and wake up with hope and (tempered) excitement.  I look forward to learning from negative experiences instead of hiding from them.

I’m not scared anymore.

There is a PILE of reasons we self-medicate instead of looking inward.

We live busy lives and a drink is faster and WAY more fun than sitting in a church basement or heading to a therapy session.  Going out with our friends to get shitfaced or doing a mountain of coke is far more exciting than going through Dante’s Inferno but when you break through, literal magic happens.

But you have to go through it.  We all do if we want to understand why we’re sad/angry/joyless and miserable.

I write these blog posts and talk about my journey (which evolves every day) because I don’t want people who struggle to feel hopeless.  Addiction is the loneliest road for the addicted.  It’s also an obstacle that will fuel the second or third coming of who you want to be.

The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.  -Marcus Aurelius

I spoke at a men’s mtg last week (I’m fortunate enough to be asked to do that from time to time).  I started the mtg by asking 3 questions (It’s amazing how many people struggle to answer these basic questions) :

1. What do you want out of your life?

2. What makes you happy?

3. What are you afraid of?

I’ll go FIRST!

1. Happiness, peace of mind, and natural joy

2. Being of sound mind and mentally healthy

3. Living in ignorance

My answers 5 years ago (Seriously)

1. To be legendary, rich, and lazy and for everyone to fear my awesomeness

2. Money to make people think I’m legendary and to fear my awesomeness

3. EVERYTHING

How do you answer those questions?

Do you look away when it comes to you or are you willing to be honest?

Gandhi was a total weirdo but he touched on what tranquility and inner peace looked like.

‘Your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, and your values become your destiny.’

When the person on the inside matches the person on the outside, that’s when you experience true peace and harmony.  Hiding behaviors we’re not proud of creates the friction in our souls that KILLS people.

‘Duplicity’ comes up in EVERY conversation I have with people who are truly lost. We can’t square what we know we REALLY are with what we present to others which makes us all feel like frauds.

“What if this person knew I was sad or depressed?’

“What if they find out I’m a drunk or an addict?’

“If they only knew who I really am they’d hate me?”

“The soul is dyed with the color of your thoughts” – Marcus Aurelius

It sounds basic, but deep down I knew I wasn’t the person I wanted YOU to think I was.  My thoughts and intentions never matched my actions because I cared more about perception than reality.  In essence, I traded my ‘Nature’ (who I really was) for ‘Culture’ (the expectations of others) for personal acceptance and gain.  When I realized I couldn’t control my reputation, my life was effectively ruined because I built my foundation on shit that JUST DOESN’T matter.

I don’t give a single fuck if I’m accepted by the media establishment or captains of the industry.

I’ve sold almost everything I own because we never really own anything (the next guy/girl gets it when we die).

I’ve been forgiven and have the ability to forgive (I’m actively working on the last part).

I navigate negative experiences by being a student of those experiences instead of being afraid of them.

I expect nothing from anyone other than myself.

I accept objective reality and look for smooth handles instead of rough ones.

And, I’m happy.

It sounds trite, but being a good human being works.

Isn’t that the goal?  Don’t we all have ‘that person’ in our mind’s eye when we try to interpret the perception of self?  Isn’t that the destination?

I haven’t arrived or found a magic pill.  I haven’t changed, but my perception has because the fear of being stuck finally outweighed the fear of change.

And here’s the rub: I’m grateful for ALL of it.

It’s my story.  None of the chapters have been fatal and I’m only halfway through the story.

I LOVE all of it.  The embarrassment, the tears, the anguish, the suicidal thoughts, the failure, and the anxiety/depression.  My life worked out perfectly and everything happened on time and THAT’S the miracle that waits for you.

Pain and fear are telling you to deal with something, not run away from it.

Don’t walk through life with imposter syndrome.  You’re not a victim.  You have ALL the power to experience a sustainably happy life by leaning into what it takes to live a character-filled, virtuous existence about progress, not perfection.

You can be compassionate with yourself and still make yourself whole but it only happens when you are tired of pretending like Jann Arden was, 5 years ago,

Remove your ego.  Deal with who you are (objectively) and actively seek out answers from professionals and people who experience peace through accountability.

I have almost no anxiety because I know I don’t control anything other than my expectations and the only expectations I have are my own.  I’m not married to magic outcomes and I’m healthier than I’ve ever been (I crushed 5 ice cream sandwiches last night because I could) and I can comfortably tell you ALL about me because I’m proud of my life and like myself.  Warts and all.

I don’t have anything to hide so there’s nothing to be scared of.  I’m not hiding the hurt little boy with no life skills so the inner conflict is gone and the promises of living a virtuous life for the greater good are all coming true.

Am I an alcoholic?  I don’t know and that’s not a word I’d use to describe myself.  I look at it like I was conflicted and lost and drinking was just a branch on the tree of issues I chose to NOT deal with because it was ‘ToO HaRd”.  Removing that branch was the only way to be a healthy tree in the forest of bullshit we call life.

Life still sucks sometimes, but that’s life.  Some things that suck are supposed to suck like running, and working out suck.  Getting to a point where you look forward to learning from those things really makes you who you are and will define your peace of mind and dictate your happiness.

I promise.

DB