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DiFiore: “Whether he wins or loses, Trudeau has become a typical, vomit-inducing, fraud. A politician who clearly covets power above all else”

Aug 24, 2021

I did not learn how to physically burp until I was 35 years old. I did not understand the mechanics of burping. I tried things like swallowing air, forcing out stupid sounds, drinking a gulp of something carbonated (which would only make me hiccup) or throating a burp-like sound as to appear like a typical gross guy.

And then one day I finally found a way to disperse the nasty build up of gas that was festering inside me. As it turns out, the path towards a gigantic-and-goddam-satisfying Mega Burp is by sticking one finger in my mouth and lightly grazing my throat. Don’t be homophobic. 

I have roughly 2 seconds to gauge what’s about to happen, make the necessary internal adjustments, and triumphantly unleash an ungodly, guttural noise that can be heard reverberating throughout my immediate surroundings, and comes in a close second to the mighty orgasm on my Top 5 list of most satisfactory releases of bodily persuasion. 

Sometimes, however, I will lightly graze my throat with my finger and make the wrong internal adjustment and puke maybe like a teaspoon of puke. It’s not attractive, and I would normally never share this with anyone, but truthfully, the 44th Canadian Federal Election is so bloody awful that it reminds me of when I fail at burping and involuntarily launch half digested soda crackers out of my yell hole, propelling pieces of semi-digested crackers bits onto someone’s shoes, or in their hair, leaving them soiled, smelly, and angry.  

This election is exactly that. 

First, for all you saps with wilful blindness towards Justin Trudeau’s flair for second rate dramatics, let me break it down simply, succinctly; he’s all out of ideas. There’s nothing left up his sleeves, except maybe a Seamus O’Regan’s hand-written list of all the qualities contributing to Trudeau’s Super-Awesomeness, but all the blubbering when he wrote it would make reading it impossible, according to fanboy experts. 

Second, for whatever reason, opposition leaders are following Trudeau’s lead, unleashing an array of cheap shots, each one brilliantly executed via one gastrointestinal moment after another. The NDP inexplicably believes Canadians are interested in watching Jagmeet Singh dance on a tween app. The Conservative Party believes the public enjoys watching Erin O’Toole dance the two-step, on vaccine mandates. And some thought Singh repurposing Jack Layton’s corpse as a tool to prop up his chances of winning wasn’t cheap at all. Somehow!

Never one to be bested in a game of Cringe Cribbage, Trudeau dragged out the political corpse of Hillary Clinton, name-dropping the former secretary of state as he listed all the neat-o things he’d done to help the Afghan allies he initially abandoned while the Taliban re-emerged in Afghanistan. It’s all he has left now that Trump is no longer in office.  

A couple days ago Trudeau sounded like a Capital City politician from the movie franchise The Hunger Games as he framed the vaccine-hesitant citizens as, and I am only slightly paraphrasing, disgusting, selfish morons who should not have to be tolerated by the vaccinated, a strategy that is destined to win over hearts and minds and unify this country! 

Juuuuuust kidding, he’s obviously being intentionally divisive. Getting one swath of voters to dehumanize another swath of voters often works, and Trudeau deserves a majority government, according to people who really love Trudeau, even if it means telling one group of voters that they need to accept being the nation’s second class citizens. 

On COVID and vaccines, Trudeau graces us with meandering throw-away statements, delivered with an oh-so-serious look, held for one beat, and then his signature move; that slight head tilt, his eyes darting here and there as he searches for yet another variant of the word ‘engage,’ and settles into the Trudeau facial pose, all proud of himself, probably repeating a mantra in his head like, “Gord Downey liked me. Gord Downey liked me. Gord Downey liked me, ” as he explains to us kids that people who haven’t taken the vaccine are disgusting animals, cretins to be shunned by the Mighty Union of the Double Vaxxed, the civilized, sophisticated folk who mock and dehumanize the exact people we need to convince that vaccines are safe. We don’t have to ostracize fellow citizens or lecture them into submission. Being pro-vaccine is not enough to justify all the toxicity being thrown around when what’s needed is an adult to stop the bickering and start strategizing.  To a growing number of people, this onslaught of mockery and shaming is frustrating not just because it is mean and dangerous, it’s because it isn’t working.

But there is an election, don’t you know, and so whatever it takes to win, even if winning means sowing divisions, is on the table.

And now, Namesake Sir Ums-A-Lot is using his privilege to call an early election to secure his party their coveted majority government. In Trudeau’s case a majority would be accompanied by his dystopian internet regulations; a mandate to rid the web of “harmful content” without mentioning what the parameters are in order to be considered “harmful,” a system of ratting out websites and a promise to lock private business owners from their sites with complete impunity. Awww, but he looks so earnest when he moves his mouth but somehow says nothing, all with that quirky smirk of his.

His blood type is cringe, if that helps.  

The word fascism would be used with impunity if a conservative leader attempted to police the internet. This legislation will invite a Boaty McBoatface type of response, only this time the internet would be fighting against an Orwellian coup of our online experiences. 

Liberals always chastised Stephen Harper for having an alleged hidden agenda, but Trudeau’s trajectory is far worse because he improvises his agenda based on which way the wind is blowing, which is a big reason why he can’t sell it anymore. 

This man-child has spent the election campaign waiting for just the right moments to sound, look, and govern like a soap opera actor who did 2 episodes in 1988 but still talks about it. And it is all happening, this unnecessary election and every shitty thing tied to it, because he wanted it. The baby wanted his wa-wa.

He found himself governing during a worldwide pandemic, and instead of finding humility or becoming preoccupied with making the types of decisions leaders have to make during a crisis, he chooses a popularity contest in the middle of said crisis and fell right back into his predictable schtick – take something that reads well on paper, and then just kill it with schmaltz until we’re all hugging porcelain.

Ladies and gentlemen, Trudeau is the finger tickling the back of Canada’s throat. He is taking a huge risk, and unless we make the right adjustments a figurative wave of bile-drenched bacon and beer chunks streaming across this great land from coast to coast. They won’t have clean drinking water in Calgary for years to come. 

 Whether he wins or loses, Trudeau has become a typical, vomit-inducing politician; phoney, unevolving, and someone who clearly covets power above all else. He is putting his party and his personal ambitions (see Daddy issues) ahead of the rest of us, and now I think I’m going to be sick until Election Day.

  

Contributing Writers

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