TSG: A man who was spotted pleasuring himself inside a Kia in a Walmart parking lot told Florida cops that he was “lonely” because his former girlfriend was in Colorado, according to an arrest report.

Police were summoned yesterday afternoon to a Walmart in Vero Beach by a woman who reported that a man who was parked next to her was masturbating while behind the wheel of a car that had its driver’s side window open.

Upon arriving at the parking lot, cops stopped a Kia with out-of-state plates and asked the driver to exit the vehicle. When Kyle Weiss, 26, stepped out of his car, there was little doubt he was the suspect being sought: “I noticed that he had an obvious erection protruding in his shorts,” a cop reported.

Weiss initially denied exposing himself, and claimed that he was at the retailer “as a food shopper,” adding that “his business is like Uber Eats, buying food and delivering it to customers.”

During further questioning, Weiss reportedly admitted that he was lying to police. Asked by an Indian River County Sheriff’s Office deputy how he “crossed over from doing his work business to playing with himself,” Weiss “said he is lonely as his ex-girlfriend is in Colorado.”

Pictured above, Weiss also claimed that he did not realize that he “could be seen playing with himself,” the report notes. Walmart parking lots, as TSG readers know, are a favorite pervert playground.

Weiss was arrested for exposure of sexual organs and disorderly conduct, both misdemeanors. Weiss, who was released last night from the county jail after posting $1000 bond, is scheduled to be arraigned on March 23.

Weiss’s residence is listed as an apartment in Denver, and he is alternately described as a contractor and a taxi driver in court and jail records.

Too bad the young man’s story didn’t hold up.  I kinda felt sorry for him for a millisecond.

All-day long, he shops for other people’s groceries as he yearns for the intimacy of his girlfriend, who’s thousands of miles away in Colorado probably banging some other guy.  All he wants is a mental break from his shitty life so he parked his KIA at the back of the local Wal-Mart to furiously masturbate his shitty existence into a stalemate for a few mind-bending seconds.

Maybe he shouldn’t have done it in broad daylight in the middle of a busy afternoon in a packed Wal-Mart parking lot where guys go to pull their pud all the time, according to locals.

Why do guys always jerk off in the Wal-Mart/TSG parking lot?  What is it about those parking lots that turn on white, uneducated, perverts? is it the fact you can buy a machine gun and 10 lbs of pork jerky in the same store?  Do they go there based on reviews from other perverts on 8chan or Parler?

Fellas. Pro tip about masturbating:  While it’s normal and sexually healthy to masturbate, it’s generally frowned upon to masturbate in public and yes, that means in your car.  Technically, you’re not supposed to masturbate in your backyard either if there’s a clear line of sight of you masturbating in your backyard.  Not that I’ve masturbated in my backyard.  I’m just pointing out that there seems to be a theme of illegality when it comes to masturbating anywhere other people might be able to see you masturbating no matter where it is you happen to be, well, masturbating.

Good talk.

Dean