Have you noticed the media has been rather quiet on Premier Doug Ford lately? Yeah, me too. It makes you wonder about the media getting the memo…or the nod…or whatever touching your nose means.
Why is it that whenever Ford gets into hot water, the last one being the Sopranos-style manner in which envelopes of cash were delivered to him, I mean his daughter, during her alleged Stag N Doe party, the type of party normally reserved for brides whose families couldn’t possibly afford a decent wedding, things eventually just…you know, go away?
All of a sudden…crickets. Why?
Listen, say what you want about the man, and I’m about to, but you have to admire his panache. Or maybe it’s his swagger. Whatever it is, he does make you feel like there is a steady line of folks waiting to kiss the ring.
Ford has always been Ontario’s very own Pinky Ring Politician, meaning he might not be Italian, and he might not be a big boss, but it sure does look like he hangs out with some good fellas, if you catch my telegraphed drift.
— Ryan McGreal (@RyanMcGreal) March 29, 2018
Ford used to walk around priority neighbourhoods in Toronto stuffing $20 bills into the pockets of residents. He once told this writer that he worked 18 hours per day, 7 days a week, which is 126 hours weekly for those keeping score at home. The man is a legend…in his own mind…which has carrousel music playing in it 24/7.
Hey, remember in Sopranos when Tony got involved in that Housing and Urban Development scheme? (Season 4, ep 7) Well Doug Ford was all like, “Holy shit, Ma. Ya think I could do that too?” To which Ford’s ma replied, “I wish the Lord would take me now.”
Anyway, Ford’s Green Belt scam, allegedly, is basically the same scam. Only, instead of ripping off the public coffers to offer fake housing that would be used for insurance scams instead, Ford ripped off the environment, the public’s confidence, and offered real development deals that would make his flanks even chubbier than before.
And then the media was all like, “what scam? Who’s there? Prank caller!”
It’s amazing to witness, and a part of me wonders if Ford’s real name is Dougino Di Fordi, a joke I can make because of my last name, and if we should all just submit to the marionette music playing in our heads on a loop during a Ford presser. Don’t lie, we’ve all heard it. Shut up.
Look, all I’m saying is that the circumstantial evidence seems compelling. Oh and hey, remember when Doug’s little brother Rob privatized garbage pick-up in the east end of Toronto? Yeah, that was something, eh? No pinky ring parallels there at all. Just saying.
A couple of things we might want to keep an eye out for;
- Is his go-to red wine Ruffino Chianti Classico?
- Does his driver have a pony tail?
- What is his physical reaction to gabagool?
All of these questions seem pertinent. Also if you are going to send me lunch over the next little while, please don’t make it fish.
Listen, let me tell ya somethin’. I know what you’re thinkin’ – make it seem like Di Fordi is connected to (touches nose) that thing of ours, and use just the right words to, you know, bada bing bada whatever…and it’s done, right? Well fugettaboutit, I’ll take care of it.
So whatsa matta? You worry too much. Ontario is in good hands. Sure, those hands have a LOT of blood on them, but relaaaaaaaaaax.
And remember, it may all seem unfair, but the gravy…the gravy is good.