I’m no prude, but something happened this week that made me prudish.

I was the victim of TERRIBLE urinal etiquette in a public washroom.

I know.

WHA HAPPENED?

I went to Pearson to pick someone up at the airport. I’m not a curb pickup guy. I like to go to the airport, depending on how much I want the person I’m picking up.

Before arrival, I went to the VERY spacious Pearson arrivals bathroom with 12 empty urinals. Naturally, I picked the empty Urinal on the far right of the urinal bank. Now there were 11 open urinals, and no one was dumb enough to pee next to me at the end urinal, right?

Wrong.

Out of nowhere, mid-pee stream, this gentleman, fresh off a flight, decided to sidle up next to me, with 11 other empty urinals, where he worked a loogie after spitting his gum into the urinal. The back of my neck started to sweat, and it took everything in me not to say, “Dude, what the fuck are you doing? There are 11 empty Urinals…”

I didn’t want the fight, so I pinched it, moved to the other end of the urinal bank, finished peeing, and bounced after washing my hands.

Not ashamed to say it, I was shook. Angry, if you will.

I thought everyone practiced urinal etiquette, but I stand angrily corrected. So, let’s go over my handy list of things to keep in mind when practicing urinal etiquette:

Dean’s Urinal “Do’s and Don’ts”

Do’s:

1. The Stealth Approach: Stand at least one urinal away if someone’s already using a urinal. Ninja moves only.
2. Mind the gap, Embrace the bookends: Always leave a urinal gap if possible. Suppose you can’t wait for a toilet stall or see Do’s 3-5.

1. Keep Your Pants up: Never drop full trou. That’s what 3-year-olds learning to potty train do. You’re a grown-ass man. Zippers only.
2. STFU And Eyes Forward: Don’t whistle or compliment the decor, like, “Nice tiles!” or “What a lovely shade of yellow.” STFU. Stare at your junk. Never look left or right. It’s also acceptable to look up, but then you invite pecker-checking.
3. Don’t Work Up a Loogie/Spit Your Gum into the Urinal: There’s nothing less appetizing than seeing a Loogie-covered piece of used Juicy Fruit wrapped in pubes in the Urinal. Someone gets paid next to nothing to fish that shit out of that urinal. Don’t be a dick.

Funny Don’ts:

1. The Shoulder Pat: Avoid giving encouraging pats on the back. It’s not a team sport.
2. The Overeager Conversationalist: Strike up conversations with strangers. Topics can range from the weather to existential philosophy.
3. The Line Backer: Don’t treat it like a queue. Cutting in line is not appreciated in the restroom world.
4. The Peek-a-Boo: No peeking over or under the urinal dividers. No divider? No problem. Stare dead ahead or close your eyes. Privacy is a fundamental right, even in the restroom.
5. The One-Handed Magician: Keep both hands visible at all times. No one needs any surprises.
6. Minimize “The Shake”: It can get you arrested.

Remember, the key is to keep it respectful. Urinal etiquette is a delicate dance; no one wants to get punched out midstream.

You’re welcome.

DB