Okay, now that all you #GoT nerds out there have had ample time to download your pirated version or have streamed Game of Thrones Episode 1 of Season 7 #Dragonstone, here are my thoughts. Straight the fuck up, absolutely no promises of spoiler alerts, warnings, sensitivities or any of that horse shit when it comes to the opinions expressed in this episode review! Could care less if you are caught up but just haven’t seen the new season yet. Or if you are catching up by watching season 1 – 6 at the moment. Moreover, if you are just a reader who doesn’t really give a shit about the show but are looking for a perspective on the latest start to Season 7 of Game of Thrones, here it is.
“Everything before the word BUT is horse shit!” – Ned Stark
Top 3 Disappointments with Episode 1, Dragonstone
(keep reading, there will be boobs at the end that are SFW, promise!)
To begin, now that this HBO show is way fucking off BOOK… after waiting more than 15 months for its return, watching all those goddamn cast interviews with clever social media account posts, short trailers, and world-wide hyper marketing the likes not seen since the 1930’s…. that’s all we fucking get? Hmm ok… three disappointments to note:
#1. Opening Scene
The introduction scene, the death of the Frey’s, started off well…
Winter came for House Frey, they were cunts and fucked around #RedWedding blah blah. Practically an entire family died in less than 4:00 minutes of screen time, while drinking wine? And that was that. Easy, done! Mark the end of violence for episode one. And all this before the intro credits and opening sequence rolled. Balls! As a measure of on-screen violence per screen time allocated for this show, this was definitely a 2/5 score at best.
I am aware that this episode was designed to be a “plot builder” but, come the fuck on! Drop something a bit more entertaining in there than Sam Tarly up to his knees in shit and dry heaving -> he later finds the fucking Dragonglass jackpot in no time, that was the one cool bit he played, and his whole purpose but, no fuck it.
#2. Ed Sheeran, Really?
You know you are a British pop star ass-hole when you can refuse to go on tour, then tour anyways so that you can make money and stay famous. And then sell out even further by getting “product placed” into arguably the most anticipated episode of Game of Thrones to date. Honestly, it would have made for a better episode if he didn’t sing in this one. I was half expecting that they would drop Shape of You in there somehow. Luckily, this was not a part of their contract. I hope, if he is on screen again this season, that he suffers a punishing death and follows the Sean Bean (Ned Stark) screen tradition of generally always dying in his roles. 3/5 score for this section because I’m being nice here.
#3. The LCBO & Controlling the Supply of Alcohol
Fuck you and your $75 per bottle of Cab Sauv that is now sold out at most LCBO’s. $75 for some over-hyped Dornish horse piss… Dorn, otherwise known in the real world as California? Oh fuck off!
But don’t worry if that shit is all sold out. There is always the trusty “Red Blend” for $29.95 per bottle, which may or not actually be horse piss from Napa Valley bottled in 2015. The HBO and George RR Martin marketing machine is out in full force, and winter is here!
Oh and of course there is also this likely horrid tasting Chardonnay. In case you have the pallet of a 75 year old white lady, coming back after a quick 9 with her friends at Glen Abbey. I say, eat a dick LCBO and to this Game of Thrones Chardonnay, Garbage!
To be fair the above was not the direct fault of Episode 1, Season 7. But their brand is still on the bottle, and the release date of this “vintage collection” was way too convenient not to notice. The LCBO has a monopoly on booze over the people of this province, which also sucks assholes. But mostly the reason for the low rating in this category is because they didn’t even think to name any of these wines in reference in the show or episode. Thus this sections score must be 1/5.
Given the episode overall, I would give it an average rating of 2/5. Final thoughts, the ladies of #GoT are still really hot and the stars of the show, in my opinion. These are just a few of the most notable sha-wing’s in the series and are my top 3 boner makers. Thank you to these characters for making the show somewhat entertaining to watch.
1. Sibel Kekilli – Before Game of Thrones, she was a porn star and she really loved the D!
Unfortunately, this filthy whore got choked out at the end of Season 4 by a bad ass Dwarf. I have rather missed her screen presence, as other cast members have now outsourced their nude scenes to porn stars or others with similar body types. For SHAME!
Thumbnail of her in real life
Thumbnail of her in the show
2. Emilia Clarke – Not a porn star by trade but in the early days of the show, she had no problem showing it all off. I think the fame got to her after a while. She now is one of those cast members who outsources her nude shots.
Thumbnail of her in real life
Thumbnail of her in the show
3. Nathalie Emmanuel – Didn’t do porn per say, but not shy to the camera. In the show, she was a former sex slave and did display herself openly more than a few times. Ironically, the dude she loves had his dick cut off when he was a child. Isn’t that a shame, sorry bud, just motor-boats for you.
Thumbnail of her in real life:
Thumbnail of her in the show:
Check out the Game of Thrones, Season 7 Episode 2 review now!
