This Week’s Game of Thrones Review
Game of Thrones, Season 7 Episode 2, Stormborn (more like been stone bored so far) aired last Sunday and was yet another “plot builder”. But it did include a very much needed dash of blood sport at the end. In this review we will be evaluating three core ingredients that people crave from HBO’s Game of Thrones; the sex, the bloodshed, the gross and gnarly media in which it lays. Not necessarily in that order.
But before we dive into all that, a quick side note about a win from last week, which was also highlighted in our first Game of Thrones Season 7 review. Did Ed Sheeran delete his twitter account because of the backlash of his cameo appearance in the first episode? Hahaha sucks for you bud! And good on you internet world! You dealt this fake ass ginger usurper what could be a mortal wound, one that I for one hope he never recovers. I am grinning with pride that you collectively unleashed your nerd hate with great vengeance and furious anger! The kind that would make even the Dothraki proud. I back thee!
The Sex – And All its Weirdness
Sex in many of its forms has been featured in the Game of Thrones series. It reveals a very unique look inside the creators mind and views on the topic. Turns out George RR Martin is totally fucking weird – but in a good way! And supported by his perfect marriage to a production company, that in true HBO fashion, unravels an intriguing web of sexual perversions, incest, sexual punishment, and many less explored sexual topics that you normally don’t find in your typical TV series.
One topic this episode seemed to be centred around is that of eunuchs. Men who were castrated, usually in the story at an early age but not in all cases. Like your boy Theon Greyjoy, who we will discuss a bit here and circle back to in future reviews. It does make you wonder though George, if I may call you that. What is up with all these dicks being chopped off? Here is a short list (haha yes pun!) of the main characters in the show who have lost their junk in one way or another.
Eunuchs – Forces To Be Reckoned With:
Varys – his dick and balls were chopped off as a boy. They were burned in a brazier as part of some fucked up ritual offering to the gods. Apparently a voice called back after it was tossed into the flames, which still haunts those who heard it. Imagine your dick yelling back at you, after it was filleted off and then flung into the burning fire. Fack, the worst! I feel bad but in my opinion, with a back story like that, you can’t really trust this guy. And fuck you and your speech about being for the people.
Theon Greyjoy – Theon use to be a swinging dick on the show and was often quick to bang anything in his war path. Including an attempt on none other than his own sister Yara, which was unbeknownst to him at the time. But in the Great Game, plot twists have a funny way of determining a characters destiny. And in Theon’s case, his member was removed when he was at his prime, by the Bastard of Bolton. Ramsey Bolton of course “ate it” at the end of Season 6, when he was eaten by his own starving hounds. A “just dessert” for his Caligula like perversions. We shall see what outcomes lie in store for Theon Greyjoy, the great ship jumper!
Grey Worm – All Unsullied soldiers are castrated at birth. The idea is that they only have one purpose, being a soldier and to die with honour as commanded. Grey Worm is no different and it likely blows goats for this guy right now. He has survived some epic combat moments, has earned his honour and place in the Queens guard, finally free from slavery so that both him and his hot ass girl can finally fuck all they want! The downside though, he is the leader of The Unsullied. And thus, not equipped with the right weaponry to attack Ms. Missandei in the manner he is accustom to in battle.
The question that HBO and Game of Thrones begs its audience to ask is – can you trust eunuchs? It seems to me that over the last seven seasons, the only eunuch you can really trust in this lot, is Grey Worm. In the show and in the books, this dude is the man. And though he can’t fuck like a man, he is still the man all the same. And like most guys, he even says dumb ass shit to his girlfriend all the time. Like that dumb shit you didn’t mean to say but once it’s out there, you can’t take back. In this Sunday’s episode, he said “you are my biggest weakness” – oh you’re fucked now bud. Better start paddling back from that shits creek if you want to see those titties again! Come on, we all want to see them again!
Sooo… what does a guy, without a cock, freshly dug out of a grave of words, who stands there, ass naked in front of the girl he wants to deflower, do..?
Well, like any good general would, he mapped out his attack plan. Grey Worm moved quickly to reinforce his army and set his sights on an invasion from the north. Once landed, he took his “motor boating son-of-a-bitch” army straight the fuck down south. Boom, the rest is history!
The battle has been won! Now that is what I call capturing hearts and minds.
Honourable mention to the sequence with Jamie Lannister, for arguably the best one liner in the whole episode. Lord Tarly states, “Sir Jamie, I believe you know my son” Jamie opens with “Reykon is it?” The lord’s son responds “Dickon!” – “That’s it” Jamie replies. Maybe it’s just me but in an episode centered around eunuchs, I thought it was pretty funny that they added an appearance from “Dick-on” Tarly in there. Well played!
Score 4/5 great boobs Nathalie Emmanuel, thank you! But there could have always been more from others (for a 5/5)
The Gnarly – How to Skin a Stoneman
I will have to give props to Game of Thrones for pushing the limits with their talented special effects squad. The show is highly regarded as one of the best produced shows in our modern era and their special teams crew are world renowned. The creators of Game of Thrones also play heavily on all the weird, creepy, even fraughting special effects to add stock and shock value to this show.
In episode 2, we have Sir Jorah Mormont, a shamed Knight who derives from the very proud and honourably Mormont family from Bear Island. Quick story about him. Previously, he protect and professed his love for the Queen of Dragons. But struck out pretty hard! He then thought he had a plan to win her back by capturing a Dwarf. However in doing so, he contracted a Valyrian skin disease called Greyscale. This essentially is a stone-scale like exterior that grows into ones body, through the skin and is transmitted by contact from another “Stone-People”. Luckily for Jorah, Sam Tarly is there doing his residency, earning his fucking merit badges at “Maester College” and thinks he has a way to cure him. What is this plan you may ask? Well, it involved tearing that greyscale shit, featured in the picture, from the knights flesh, while he was conscious.
Shhh Jorah, I know Sam has never done this before but trust me it’s worth a shot. You can always kill yourself with pride if Sam fails you right? Man, it would take a lot more than a sheepskin of rum for me to be able to handle that kind of pain and trauma.
Score 3/5 – The potential for the audience to puke, could have been higher!
The Blood – Oh The Blood, How I Love It So
HBO has never been shy when it comes to portraying graphic scenes of violence in any of their productions. Game of Thrones may stand out as King when it comes to the goriest battle scenes and blood shed. As far as “family programming” goes, #GoT probably has some of the greatest blood spraying moments ever captured on film, each seemingly better than the last. This undoubtably accounts for a large proportion of the interest in the show.
With regards to the amount of anger, violence, and revenge overall in the show, how the fuck has nobody killed Little Finger yet? Yeah yeah the worst characters generally live on in the show and all that but why the fuck didn’t Jon Snow just kill that little finger fucker in the crypt when he admitted to loving his much younger, much more gingery sister Sanza, and his putative mother Catelyn Stark? He could have choked that little shit right there and then, while he had the chance and there were no witnesses. Perhaps Arya will have the balls to slit this dudes throat in a future episode.
Finally, at the end there was an epic battle at sea, which was the first real blood spilt this season. The scene begins with a promising lesbian action sequence but gets cut unfavourably short by the battle storm to come. Euron Greyjoy (Theon and Yara’s Uncle) some how out flanked the bro and sister team and proceeded to unleash hell upon them. If I was to nit pick the story line a bit here, one wonders how Euron found their invading fleet so quickly? And how exactly was he able to sail his entire fighting flotilla at night, without any detection from her ships? Who knows, who the fuck cares right? At this point in the episode we had seen both boobs and blood, so I am content.
Euron Greyjoy clearly takes the term psychopath up a notch. There was a noticeably disproportionate amount of women that were slain compared to men by this fucking guy. And not in that cool “brocabulary” kind of way. He literally impaled his first female victim and strangled the next. Not saying that there shouldn’t be more gender equality in battle scenes but that was heinous!
While some of the female characters in this scene were taken away as hostages, unfortunately for these daughters of Dorn, pictured hanging below, nobody was coming to save them. To be fair, these little Dorn bitches were kind of the worse characters anyways. They thought they were hot shit and could fight anyone and win, much like their foolish father Oberyn Martell. Well, this is what happens when you fuck around with the likes of the Iron Islands. The lesson here is, pick your goddamn battles! Don’t fuck with a 80’s rockstar looking motherfucker, who stormed your ship in numbers. Maybe just bend the fucking knee, or both of them.
Score 4/5 – In the end it was a bloody good mess but nothing compared to the scale of the epic Battle of the Bastards!
In terms of the episodes to come this season, keep in mind that before the start of Season 7, there were rumours that there will only be 12-13 episodes left – ever. That means that there could only be six or seven episodes this season, before they break again to film the 8th season next year. Moreover this could mean only four or five more episodes left in this season!
With that said, I really hope they step up the story game here. The issue at the moment seems to be that they have pack too little of the books original content into each previous season. Now that they are way off book, one could argue that too much has already come and gone for HBO to just conveniently tie it all up at the end.
Overall, averaging out the three topic areas mentioned above, I would give this episode a solid 3.6 / 5.
Remember that: “The Long Night is coming. Only the prince (or princess) who was promised, can bring the dawn”
Stay tuned for next weeks review of Game of Thrones, Season 7 Episode 3 – The Queens Justice
