Hey Daylight Savings: Go F*ck Yourself

Mar 13, 2022

Last night I was having the best dream. I was riding in a hot air balloon, taking in the scenery, and trying not to listen to my wife who was busy lecturing me about how awful I was at flying the hot air balloon. So I yanked on the blast valve to shut her up, and the balloon shifted wildly, sending my wife overboard. I looked over and watched her fall, and right before she landed on the jagged rocks below, I woke up. My alarm went off, even though it was still dark outside.

I rolled over, grabbed my phone. I was 6:30, but I was still beat. And then I remembered – some fucking genius invented Daylight Savings Time, and because of that I was unable to watch the climax of my hot air balloon dream, and for that I will never forgive whoever it is I am supposed to hate for this ridiculous undertaking.

Seriously, why are we still doing this? Why do we have daylight savings time?

So there I was all up and at em at some ungodly hour that I used to only see when I was still awake snorting lines off someone from the previous evening, because once again the time magically jumped one hour in order to accommodate our commitment to Daylight Savings.

Because I guess we were all living in the past. Or something.

You want to know how stupid Daylight Savings really is?

The first time this idea was floated was when Benjamin Franklin wrote a satirical letter to the editors of The Journal of Paris, where he dryly explained that the changes in time twice a year would have a fabulous impact on the usage of candles which would translate into considerable savings for regular people. I repeat – the first inclination to undertake a policy of Daylight Savings was satire.

The second time Daylight Savings was suggested was by New Zealander entomologist, George Hudson, whose sole purpose for the change was so he could spend more time collecting and examining insects. No, I am not kidding.

The origins of Daylight Savings is enough for me to outright dismiss this weird tradition as an affront to civility itself. No, I do not think I just overstated my case. Yes, you can fuck off if you think I did.

Look, some of us have kids. Some of these kids have been robbing us of our coveted sleep since day 1, and I am perplexed as to why we are allowing this manufactured solution to a crisis that never existed to continue.

Really? It increases productivity, does it? Wow, neat. Now fuck off.

Is that how we are defined? As people who value productivity over our health and well-being? Great, I’m sure every emotionless CEO out there just spewed a little in their silk boxers, while the rest of us threw up a little in our dry, morning-breath saturated mouths.

Daylight Savings is a scam. Not only does it rob us of that last coveted hour of the sleep most of us desperately need, but last night it robbed me of watching my wife crash land after falling from our hot air balloon, and that is where I draw the line.

Will we ever know an existence without DST invading our sanity? I shudder at my own laziness to end this screed with more style, but I guess time will tell.

Shut up I’m tired.

Contributing Writers

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