A year ago I put up a blog post about basically the same thing and said I wouldn’t post about it again.  I totally lied.

It’s been 2 years (a week away) and I felt like needed to do this so relax.

Not intentionally, though.  People evolve through experiences and I’m no different.

I wasn’t a raging alcoholic in the general sense that stereotype is perpetuated.

I didn’t drink in the morning or every day.  But when I drank it was for very specific reasons.

I wanted to feel something that took me away from obsessing over my shortcomings and character flaws.  I needed something to dull the sharp noises in my head after another day of not feeling adequate.  I needed an excuse to drink because of my inability to deal with anything deemed too hard by my fucked up standards.

Why?

Great question.  There’s not a person alive who abuses substances on a long term basis because they’re bad people.  There’s a reason people battle addiction in the darkness and take forever to get their shit together.  It comes down to a very simple premise that defines anyone with addiction issues.  We abuse substances out of fear.  Fear of failing to be specific.

For some that feeling manifests itself through anxiety or depression.  We allow false narratives about a failure to define us in our own minds and we obsess over the fear of failure.  Introducing a substance that takes you away from dealing with these issues.  It also removes the possibility of living life on life’s terms and destroys the only window we might have to enjoy true happiness.  Right now.

Happiness only happens at this exact moment.  Experiencing happiness, only ever happens right now.  Not yesterday or tomorrow which was and still is the greatest gift in this journey.

I spent all my time in yesterday and tomorrow worrying about things that had happened or were yet to happen.  Guilt and shame from yesterday and the fear of failure tomorrow were fucking mental handcuffs.  So to deal with it, I drank.  Everyone medicates differently but it all comes from the same place.  Fear and not fitting in because of that fear.

When?

When do you know you have a problem?  Easy peasy.

If you’re miserable or can draw a direct line from your addiction to anything negative in your life, you have an issue you need to deal with.

The issue rarely has anything to do with your D.O.C. (drug of choice).  In fact, it has nothing to do with why you feel like shit and medicate the way you do.  Alcohol is the most common way to medicate because it’s promoted and socially accepted therefore easier to get your hands on.  We’re expected to have a few after work to deal with the asshole boss or your lazy husband.  It takes us away from the self-worth mental ping pong game in our heads and gives us a false perception in regards to the issues we’re unable to navigate like ‘normal people’.

Until it doesn’t, and we all intrinsically know when that is.

How?

When I decided to truly live, I needed a plan.  If you know me you know I hate plans and schedules.  It stems from my inability to allow someone to steal my free will.  It’s weird and I’m weird but that’s me.  Whenever I’m given an arrival time for an event, I always show up early or late on purpose.  It’s my way of being in control and screwing the man.   It’s completely stupid but should give you some insight into my messed up mindset.

Deciding to get to the bottom of the psychopathy meant I had to give up.

I had to stop lying to myself and the people around me about how I felt about me.

I had to admit I wasn’t in control.

I had to put my cap in hand and admit that I didn’t have the answers and didn’t know where to start.  I had to surrender to failure.  Again.

That was the most humiliating moment of my life which is warped because everyone knew I was a miserable dick who blamed the world for where I was instead of myself.

Ask anyone who’s traveled this road and they’ll tell you the same thing.  Admitting you have a problem to a psychiatrist, a counselor, a doctor or your family is humbling, embarrassing and terrifying.  It’s the acknowledgment you have work to do and that work couldn’t be less demeaning.  Or so I thought.  Until I gave up ‘being the actor’ in my own shitty play.

Who?

You.  Just you.  Deciding to live away from your addiction pisses people like me off.  You roll through several angry questions and scenarios in your own mind which can turn toxic.

“So I’m going to do all this humiliating work and the people around me get to keep being assholes?”

You bet your drunk ass they do.

Suprise.  It’s never about “them.”  Getting clean is 100% on the person in every capacity.  From realization to rehabilitation, getting better is about the evolution of you.  Embracing your truth, living a life of rigorous honesty by not being the victim is the only way out.  There’s no other option.  Coincidentally, there’s freedom in this truth:  Giving up is the only way to win.  Surrendering to the truth that this is about you and your character flaws is step one.

How?

This past year, a family member who I love dearly struggled with addiction.  When I asked this person if they had a desire to get it together, they would respond with disinterest or the same response every time.

‘I know what I’m doing.’  “I got this’

Allowing someone you love to fail is fucked.  It’s counter to everything I’ve ever known about life and family.

We had to allow that person to take that trip into the world he wanted to.  It was the hardest thing I’ve had to do as an adult. This person has been clean for 57 days as of today.  His journey wasn’t much different from mine or yours.  He hated his life and escaped through booze and pills.  He didn’t feel like he fit in anywhere and medicated for years.  

Tired of feeling restless irritable and discontent, this person decided to take control by giving up.  He spent the month of July in a treatment facility giving up his life and job.  He gave up drinking, pills, and chaos for therapy, working out, mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy.

He’s diligent about AA/NA meetings because it works and they have answers in rooms populated by people like him.  People who’ve struggled with addiction and are genuinely happy on the other side of the cage.  Along the way, something incredible happened.  He found a place where it didn’t feel alone or left out and a process that works.

Now?

My life has been defined by stages.  Being a kid was easy, being a radio guy was fun and I didn’t want to grow up.  I wanted the simplicity that comes with influence and entitlement.  I lived by it and for it and it almost ruined me.

I can wax about the weight loss and other physical benefits that come from not drinking at the risk of glossing over the real benefit from taking control by ‘giving up’.

The real benefit is the way I hold my head up doing everyday things.  The way I navigate conflict looking for solutions instead of someone to blame has set me free in ways I can’t explain properly here.  The real benefit comes when I fall asleep with a smile on my face looking forward to running a multi-million dollar business and seeing my family tomorrow instead of praying I don’t wake up.

Death isn’t a peaceful finish line anymore.  It’s the end of a life lived happily with confidence and hope because I became capable of navigating it in real-time.  I’m not angry any more because I know I’m accountable.  I have no unmet expectations of others because this is 100 percent about meeting my own expectations and being accountable for my own behavior.  That’s true freedom.

What do I do Now??

-Talk to someone you trust about what your feeling and dealing with.

-Get to your Dr. NOW.  They have answers and can point you in the right direction.  I needed meds to bring me to a point where I could deal with getting better.

-Find a great Psychiatrist.  When you have a fever of 105 or you break your leg, you get help from professionals.  A good psychiatrist can identify your triggers by allowing a safe space to unpack the issues that cripple your ability to be happy and hopeful.

-Get to a meeting.  There are literally meetings all over the GTA.  When you Google AA meetings, you quickly realize two things.  1) There’s no excuse to not attend a meeting with others who have the answers you’re looking for and 2) There are people in those meetings with answers you’re looking for.

Addiction is the ultimate equalizer.  From world leaders to short-order cooks, in those meetings or on your knees begging for help we are all the same size.  There’s no shame in getting better or searching for peace.

I can’t promise you anything except this:  If you REALLY want to deal with what takes you away from the joy of life, and you’re diligent about it, your life will be beautiful.  You’ll achieve things you never thought possible because you have always been that capable.

I know it because I live it and if a moron like me can find himself, I’m guessing you can find you too.

My Dad and I golfed the other day.  One of the things my embarrassment kept me away from for years.

After we finished we sat down over lunch where we talked about the blog, getting back into radio and the perceived success of deanblundell.com.

“How do you define success now?” he asked.

“Being happy,” I replied.

That happiness only happens right now.  Not yesterday or tomorrow.

One of the cliches that didn’t mean anything to me before I decided to get honest means something completely different to me today.

‘You’re past was supposed to be a lesson, not a life sentence.”

You’re born and then you die.  Make the middle part fucking great by living in it, not running away from it.