It’s that time of year again where we look back on the year that was when it comes to what human beings inserted into their ears, noses, vaginas, penis’s and rectums.

America’s “Consumer Product Safety Commission works with E.R.s around the U.S. to compile data detailing E.R. visits from bored/drunk folks who put weird things in their bodies and can’t retrieve them.

From Ecstasy Pills to Pool Noodles, Americans went for it in 2023, and I’m glad hospitals share this kind of info…

Defector: All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and almost all patients made some regrettable decisions.

(Here’s the list – no kink shaming. 3 cell phones in the rectum require courage)

Ear

• TOY CAR
• TOY WAND
• STYLUS
• GASOLINE
• “FELL DOWNSTAIRS, HAS MILD CONCUSSION, ANKLE SPRAIN, EAR BUD STUCK IN EAR.”
• BUG, BOBBY PIN
• HEARING AID BATTERY
• “HAS BEEN PUTTING PAPER PRODUCTS IN HER EARS TO KEEP THE COLD OUT”
• SUNFLOWER SEEDS
• PRESS-ON FINGERNAIL 
• LOLLIPOP
• “WAS WELDING OVERHEAD, AND A PIECE OF METAL FELL ONTO HIS LEFT EAR, MELTING HIS EAR PLUG.”
• PIECE OF MINIATURE CAMERA
• ROCK
• SAWDUST, PAPER TOWEL
• STENCIL
• “PATIENT STATES ROLLED OVER IN BED ONTO AN ECSTASY PILL, AND IT GOT STUCK IN EAR”

*The ear is a pedestrian orfice, so there’s not a lot of embarrassment here. The press-on nail probably broke off during a scratch. The patient with a rock in their ear is probably a dumb kid from a southern U.S. state who HASN’T rolled over onto an ecstasy pill that fits perfectly into an ear canal.

Nose

• “WAS SMELLING BATTERY WHEN IT WENT UP NOSTRIL”
• ARTS AND CRAFTS OBJECT
• SEWING NEEDLE
• GLUE STICK
• “PUT AN ALUMINUM FOIL WRAP UP HER RIGHT NOSTRIL AND IMMEDIATELY STARTED CRYING”
• YOGURT
• FLOWER
• FOXTAIL
• FAKE PLANT
• MULTIVITAMIN
• “PUT PIECES OF STYROFOAM CUP IN NOSTRIL. HE WAS SEEN YESTERDAY FOR THE SAME THING” 
• RHINESTONE
• BULLET
• PUPPY TOOTH
• DETERGENT POD
• “WAS MAKING A JOKE AND PUT AN EARPHONE COVER IN HIS RIGHT NOSTRIL 2 DAYS AGO.”
• MULCH
• CHICKEN NUGGET

I’ll see that foxtail in your nose and raise you the styrofoam cup – 2 days in a row. Who the fuck jams styrofoam into their nose twice after visiting the E.R. once? I HATE styrofoam. I can’t be in the same room when someone is handling it. The noise makes my asshole pucker.

Throat

• “FELT LIKE HE HAD SOMETHING IN THE BACK OF HIS THROAT, SO HE USED A PAIR OF TWEEZERS TO GRAB IT AND SWALLOWED THE TWEEZERS”
• COAT HANGER
• DREIDEL
• “WAS PULLING A NEW SHIRT (BOUGHT FROM THE THRIFT STORE) OVER HIS HEAD LAST NIGHT AT HOME, WAS TIGHT AROUND THE MOUTH, NOSE WAS STUFFED, SO HE DEEPLY INHALED AND BREATHED IN SEVERAL PIECES OF THREAD OR CLOTH (HE IS NOT SURE WHICH)”
• COUGH MEDICINE CUP
• GRANOLA BAR WRAPPER
• CAULKING, SILICONE PAINT, AND STRING 
• “SWALLOWED A MAGNET AT SCHOOL THEN WAS STUNG BY A WASP ON HIS FOOT.”
• WOODEN COFFEE STIRRER
• EYELASH COMB
• SMALL SQUISHY PIG TOY
• “HAD 1 SHOT AND 9 BEERS AND THINKS HE SWALLOWED BOTTLE CAP”
• GUITAR PICK
• KEYBOARD KEY
• PLASTIC TABLE FROM PIZZA BOX
• “WAS SITTING UNDER A TREE DRINKING FROM A CUP AND SOMETHING FROM THE TREE FELL IN HIS CUP AND HE SWALLOWED IT”
• TOOTHPASTE FOLLOWED BY A TOOTHBRUSH AND POSSIBLY A TOOTHPASTE CONTAINER
• FISHING WEIGHT
• TEABAG
• “MOM TOLD THE KIDS TO CLEAN UP THEIR MONOPOLY GAME. THE PATIENT CAME TO THEIR MOM CRYING SAYS SHE SWALLOWED THE SHOE.”
• SHELF BRACKET
• DRILL BIT
• “PATIENT STATES THAT HE SWALLOWED A METAL KEYCHAIN, A RING WHICH HAD A ‘VERY HIGH VIBRATION’ AND HE BELIEVES THIS WAS CAUSING ABDOMINAL PAIN”
• KETCHUP PACKET
• HONEY MUSTARD PACKET
• 3D SEAHORSE STICKER
• “HAVING SEVERAL DRINKS THIS MORNING, SWALLOWED A SMALL PIECE OF HIS COMPUTER”
• DRY ICE
• ZIPPER
• BUCKEYE NUT
• “WAS CONDUCTING AN EXPERIMENT AND PUT A SAFETY PIN IN A BOTTLE AND BLEW IN THE BOTTLE THE SAFETY PIN WENT INTO HIS OROPHARYNX”
• NAME TAG
• MIRROR
• FIDGET SPINNER
• BELL CLAPPER
• “WAS CHEWING ON A BATTERY WHEN HE POSSIBLY SWALLOWED PART OF IT, ALSO WITH A POPCORN KERNEL IN RIGHT EAR.”
• TWO ENGAGEMENT RINGS

*Again – the mouth and throat aren’t as exciting as other orifices, but this is still an impressive list. The plastic pizza box table intrigues me, as does the person who swallowed the Driedel. The person who ate the silicone paint, caulking, and string would also come in handy during a reno.

Penis

• PHONE CHARGER

• ROLLED BAND-AID
• CRAYON
• PLASTIC SPOON
• PLASTIC SPORK
• CANDLE WAX
• STRAW
• FOLDED DOLLAR BILLS
• YELLOW CHAIN
• 10-INCH-LONG SEX TOY
• SCREWDRIVER
• KNIFE HANDLE
• CABLE
• “PATIENT STATED HE WAS DRUNK 2 DAYS AGO, AND HIS GIRLFRIEND INSERTED A NECKLACE INSIDE HIS URETHRA WHILE HAVING SEX.”
• TIP OF CONDIMENT BOTTLE

*Let’s not judge, but let’s totally judge. Judging is different than shaming. Shaming is a public mockery. Judging is simply an observation based on values. As a big fan of my penis and its continued health and longevity, I’ve never considered introducing a foreign body into my peehole. I have never looked at an item, drunk or sober, and thought, “Gee, I wonder if I could successfully jam that into my peehole?”

I think the runaway winner is the dude who managed to fit a 10-inch-long sex toy into his wiener. I can’t even comprehend it.

Ladies – it’s your turn!

Vagina

• NAIL POLISH
• GLITTER
• LIGHT BULB
• BORIC ACID SUPPOSITORIES ACCIDENTALLY PLACED IN URETHRA
• “SHE SWALLOWED A QUARTER AND ALSO SHE BELIEVES SHE HAS A RETAINED CONDOM IN HER VAGINA FROM INTERCOURSE YESTERDAY”
• PENCIL
• PENCIL SHARPENER
• PENCIL GRIP
• MULTIPLE PENS
• BRACELET
• TICK
• “HAS AA BATTERY IN VAGINA; FELT IT COME OUT WHILE USING A STIMULATOR ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO”
• HAIR BRUSH
• VIBRATOR STUCK FOR 6 DAYS
• ICE CREAM PARLOR PLAYSET
• 3 GRAMS OF COCAINE
• “DID THE SPLITS NEAR A SCREWDRIVER”
• GLOVE AND SPONGES
• CROCHET HOOK
• RAT TOY
• DOG CHAIN
• “PATIENT ADMITS TO EXTREME INTOXICATION YESTERDAY EVENING AT THE BAR, SHE WAS HITTING HER HEAD AGAINST A GLASS WINDOW AND ENDED UP CRACKING IT, SHE THEN PUNCHED A COP CAR HAS HAND PAIN, SHE REPORTS INSERTED THE BACK OF A DART INTO HER VAGINA”

Women have a distinct advantage here. I’m a HUGE fan of the person who “Did the splits near a screwdriver because the attempted excuses are just as impressive as the physics and willpower behind these E.R. visits.

The “Boric Acid Suppositories” were inside an Anti-Vaxxer, for sure.

The “six-day vibrator” lady waited six days for a reason.

And this is an “Ice Cream Parlour Playset”…

Ladies and gents – it’s time. The only universal orifice we all share was BUSY this year.

And “alcohol was involved.”  A Lot. Hopefully, some muscle relaxants, too…

Rectum

• ICE CREAM SCOOP
• EYEBROW TOOL
• SHOT GLASS
• MOUTHWASH BOTTLE CAP
• MOUSSE BOTTLE CAP
• COLOGNE BOTTLE
• SHAMPOO BOTTLE AND TOOTHBRUSH
• “HIS GIRLFRIEND MADE LARGE SYMMETRICAL OBJECT OUT OF TINFOIL WRAPPED IN PAPER TOWELS AND PLACED IN CONDOM AND PUT IT IN HIS RECTUM AND THEN COULD NOT RETRIEVE IT”
• CIGARETTE LIGHTER
• CANDLE
• MARBLE
• 7-INCH-LONG GLASS BOTTLE
• “BELIEVES HE PLACED A PEN IN HIS RECTUM THE DAY PRIOR; HE STATES THAT ALCOHOL INVOLVED.”
• 3 CELLPHONES
• 2 DILDOS
• “PATIENT STATES ACCIDENTALLY SAT ON CONE-SHAPED TOY IN THE SHOWER”
• LINT BRUSH
• POOL NOODLE
• ROLLING PIN
• “PUT A SCREW IN HIS RECTUM BECAUSE HE WAS CURIOUS”
• SCREWDRIVER
• TOY DINOSAUR
• SPOON
• POCKETKNIFE
• “STATES THAT EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON HE WAS ‘TRYING TO BE FUNNY’ AND SHOVED A PLASTIC BOTTLE UP HIS RECTUM”
• TOILET PLUNGER
• CANDLE HOLDER
• UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF MAGNETIC BALLS
• “INSERTED SOME ANAL BEADS INTO RECTUM THURSDAY, FELL ASLEEP, AND NOTICED TODAY THAT THEY WERE NOT WHERE SHE HAD LEFT THEM”
• SHAVING CREAM BOTTLE
• PVC PIPE
• JIGSAW PIECES
• ZUCCHINI
• “PRESENTS WITH A BUTT PLUG STUCK IN HER RECTUM. REPORTS SHE WAS USING IT AND GOT UP QUICKLY TO ANSWER THE DOOR”
• GOLF BALL
• ORANGE
• “STATES HE STUCK A PEN IN BUTT TO SCRATCH AN ITCH AND IT WENT UP HIS BUTT”
• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
• CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS
• PLASTIC LIGHTSABER
• CORN-ON-THE-COB HOLDER
• FRUIT ROLL-UP

LOL.

Like she couldn’t remember where she put the anal beads.

The veggies and golf balls are no biggie.

The ice cream scoop and corn-on-the-cob holder are new entries, but Christmas lights are not. Strangely, neither is “pool noodles,” which sounds adventurous.

I’ve said this for 20 years: never put something in yourself that you can’t retrieve/doesn’t have a base or string attached to it. If you do, tell the E.R. staff the truth. They’ll be able to help you faster. Or not. I’m still a massive fan of the “I slipped and fell on a Candy Cane in the shower” excuses. They’re my FAVE.

Happy hooping!

DB