If you have #monkeypox and have a burning desire to have sex while you look like a walking disease, the CDC has your back.

They just published #Monkeypox sex guidelines that sound more like a sexual scavenger hunt than a warning.

P.s. cough cough … no “condoms” @CDCgov ??? Seriously @CDCDirector.

@gregggonsalves — I can’t even today.

— Eric Feigl-Ding (@DrEricDing) June 17, 2022

I like Dr. Eric. He covers various health issues, and I’m glad he does because I wouldn’t have seen this bingo card of hot monkeypox fucking if I didn’t follow the man.

For my illiterate conservative friends, here’s an excellent graphic explaining the small words the CDC used to describe it without pictures.

Virtual Sex

Hot. I can’t tell you how many people I know who got off with multiple partners during the pandemic. My friend “BARRY” told me he was thinking of changing Facet Time to “C*** Time’ because he can unlock his phone with his wiener now. This is probably the safest sex you’ll ever have with another human being. I’ve never done it because I don’t think I’d be able not to die laughing, which is a mood killer, but I don’t judge.

Masturbate 6 Feet Apart

Is there another way to do it? 7 feet? I feel like 6 feet is out of range, and her hair will thank you. Poor vision? Get glasses.

Wash Afterwords

No shit.

Avoid Kissing

Yes, please. I’m in my forties, and kissing is the plastic wrap of foreplay. ESPECIALLY if you know you’re “getting it in.” No Kissing? No problemo.

Wear clothes

I haven’t taken off my shirt in 25 years, and I’ve NEVER had the monkeypox. Coincidence? Not according to me, science and this CDC cartoon. It looks like Deaner is ahead of the monkeypox sex guidelines because they’re just “Guidelines to me.”

Cover Your Rash

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OK, Buzzkill Fauci. People get sued three weeks after ‘covering their rashes’ all the time. It’s called not being truthful with your partner because they might close the fuck window.

Here’s a crazy idea: Wait 14 days.

👀 what’s happening here pic.twitter.com/bKwgQpj71E

— Mary Anne Ivison (@MaOnTheAir) June 17, 2022

If you can’t, seek medical and emotional help. You won’t die from not having sex with a monkeypox diagnosis, and you won’t spread it if you wait.

Or don’t. I don’t care at this point because I’ll get crushed with hate tweets from secret evangelical horndogs (men and women) telling me Jesus will protect them and they don’t need the chickenpox vaccine.

I agree.

DB