Last month, despite economist’s projections of an impending recession, US President Donald Trump publicly declared his interest in purchasing Greenland.

The orangutan – in – chief made this announcement quite randomly as he faced tough questions about his trade – war with China, his backing off of promises to deal with gun control in the wake of even more mass shootings, and his Israeli proxy war with two US congresswomen.  “I want to buy Greenland!” Is this a strategic distraction from everything else that’s going on or is it merely billionaire Tourette’s?  In any case, I was left wondering why the f*** does the POTUS want to engage in this sort of transaction.  I enjoy traveling to distant lands and learning about entirely different cultures.  I’ve gone backpacking through parts of Eastern Europe as well as Southeast Asia.  I like to consider myself somewhat of a worldly person; however, I admittedly know jack shit about Greenland.  Historically, whenever the USofA is interested in a foreign territory it is decisively because there is some natural resource there that is ripe for exploitation.  So I did a quick google search to discover what Greenland could possibly have that Trump would potentially want.

Greenland’s Resources:

Coal – to put miners back to work (not to be confused with putting minors to work like his deceased island – owning buddy Jeffrey Epstein)

Diamonds – he’s a rich asshole

Gold – same same but different

Whales/seals – for slaughter because FUCK THE ENVIRONMENT!

Uranium – probably to gift for Putin

Potential oil and gas – because ‘MERKA!!!

Greenland is an icy frozen island not suitable for golf courses or Mar – a – Lago type resorts.  It is, however, the largest island on the planet.  Perhaps president Kool-Aid Man didn’t want to purchase it for the country, but rather, for himself.  This could just be his latest expression of micro – penis syndrome.  I can see him now at a rally:

“I’m gonna own an island.  I’m gonna own an island and it’s gonna be terrific.  I gotta tell ya it’s gonna be fantastic.  It’s a big beautiful island, the biggest in the world folks, the biggest in the world” 

Greenland is owned by the great Danes (not the horse-sized canines but rather the Kingdom of Denmark).  The Danish Prime Minister (not a pastry) dismissed Trump’s offer to buy Greenland as absurd which seemingly offended him to the point where he threw a temper tantrum and canceled his impending trip there to meet with her.

How would he have reacted if Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen decided to be harsh and used the contemptuous tagline of 90’s female R&B group En Vogue “YOUR’E NEVER GONNA GET IT!”  The truth is, Donald Trump IS never gonna get it.  He’s never gonna get any of it, because he’s just too incompetent to.