Fuck, NO.

NYPOST: Terrifying video footage shows a North Carolina man narrowly escaping the deadly chomp of an alligator as the creature launches a sneak attack on his kayak.

Peter Joyce, an experienced paddler, was floating down a section of the Waccamaw River he had never explored before last weekend, when he came face-to-face with the aggressive reptile.

At first, he couldn’t make out what the commotion was.

“I thought I heard a fish jump to my left — turned out not to be a fish,” the surprisingly calm and collected Joyce tells WECT News. “About 3 feet from the kayak I made out the head of the gator and that was it, I had no time to react.”

Joyce’s camera shows him submerged entirely underwater before grabbing the branch of a tree in order to get himself upright again and out of the dangerous waters.

“If it hit and there was nothing to grab on the right side of me, I would have inverted. It could’ve been a lot worse,” he says.

Joyce then managed to get back inside the boat and paddle away without a scratch.

Is it me or is there death lurking behind every kind of water sport in America?

Canada doesn’t have 12-foot Alligators and crocodiles in every lake or tributary.  We don’t have a boa constrictor infections that make going for a swim in a pond or river a life or death activity so this is totally foreign to me.

This might be the last time Peter goes for a morning paddle in a Canadian Tire kayak too if you watched how fast he paddled out of the swamp.  My heart raced to watch him flail upside down in murky water after getting butted by the Alligator to the point where I had to remind myself that the video wouldn’t exist anywhere except the dark web if he was killed.  I fucking HATE open water and whatever monster might be hiding beneath the surface in pristine and clear Canadian lakes so this video terrified me.

I can’t believe he didn’t swear either.  Isn’t that the first thing you do when you’re being attacked by a giant reptile??   There’s no shame in admitting your deepest fears and this is right up there with getting married again or going shirtless at the beach.

Pure, Fucking, NIGHTMARE fuel.