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Welcome To “Spenny’s Centre for Deprogramming Douchenozzles!”

Spencer Rice Aug 10, 2022

It has come to my attention that Canada has some citizens that are douchenozzles.

To be clear, by douchenozzle, I mean uninformed bad actors whose sole aim is to “own the libs” and convince Canadians that we’re not free (even though Canada is considered one of the best and most available places on the planet.)  Some of these douchenozzles believe the Canadian government has a diabolical plan which includes implanting microchips through vaccines, creating mandates to punish enemies, and being part of an elite cabal that will force them to eat insects. Some believe the government is trying to destroy the white race, while others just like being douchenozzles for no reason other than they’re douchnozzles. 

As such, I will lead an effort to make the appropriate changes in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms so that these douchenozzles can be rounded up and deprogrammed at my Centre for Deprogramming Douchenozzles.  

 Eligibility 

Citizens must conform to at least three of the below douchenozzle requirements.

  • Must be paranoid
  • Must believe crazy shit
  • Must wear camo
  • Must own at least one “Fuck Trudeau” flag
  • Must believe Canada is a Christian Nation
  • Must want to overthrow the government
  • Must think Pierre Poilievre would be a fine Prime Minister
  • Must not understand that harassment and blocking traffic is not a peaceful protest
  • Must believe they know more about medicine than actual doctors

Douchenozzles will be rounded up and brought to The Centre for no more than three weeks. Each will be given their private dorm rooms and served three vegan meals a day (insects available upon request).   

Curriculum 

The Centre realizes that not all the programs will benefit all douchenozzles. For example, Christo-Fascists might be exempt from the Climate Change course. We will tailor the correct curriculum to the individual needs of each douchenozzle.

The Courses

Facts Matter

This course will teach the douchenozzles that there is such a thing as facts. The douchnozzles will work together in groups learning to separate facts from total fucking bullshit. 

Jordan Peterson Is A Dick

This course will be an intensive delve into the douchenozzlery of a clinical psychologist turned extreme douchenozzle, Jordan Peterson. The students will learn that his use of big words and intellectual pomposity does not mean he’s not a lunatic. The course will veer toward Peterson’s pubescent trauma of not succeeding with the opposite sex and how that formed a revenge mentality and worldview that wants to turn women into obedient 1950-style June Cleavers. If a douchenozzle is resistant, they will be forced to listen to Peterson’s lectures until, like him, they break with reality and accept that women can do whatever the fuck they want without the limitations of ancient religious-based patriarchy imposed upon them by a mad man.   

https://twitter.com/AlbertaSux/status/1525096991880929280?s=20&t=NFxj9v9aZWdjb0X5BNrHFA

Reasonable Conservatism 

This course will let the douchebags understand the vague possibility that you can be conservative without being a douchenozzle. We will invite reasonable conservatives to lecture if and when we can find one. Not easy. 

Separation of Church State 

This course was created specifically for the Christo-Fascist douchenozzles. It will be a rigorous program highlighting the history and reasons why the separation of church and state is critical to a functioning democracy. This course will be mandatory for ALL students of all faiths, including atheists. The horror of a single religion thrusting itself upon everyone will be made real by the thrusting of the traditions of belief, not of the douchenozzle’s choosing.

For example, a Christian might have to observe the fasting of Ramadan. Or Muslims might have to learn the complex wrapping of the Jewish tefillin. And the atheist may have to spend hours doing Buddhist chants. This will teach the douchenozzles how annoying forcing others’ religious beliefs would be. The course will not discourage the douchenozzles from practicing their chosen faith because anything less would be mega-douchenozzley,

Climate Change

Douchenozzles will be exposed to a vast array of scientific evidence by many scientists and meteorologists. This is the least intensive course because human activity’s evidence of catastrophic damage to the environment is so well documented. The system will also feature douchenozzles like Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and SNL disappointment Victoria Jackson as they bloviate about a subject they know nothing about. 

Peaceful Protesting

We strongly believe that citizens should have the right to protest in a free society. This course will delve into the differences between peaceful protests (good) and non-peaceful protests (douchenozzlely). Students will be forced to participate in non-peaceful protest roleplaying exercises where they will be subjected to harassment, car blocking, endless honking, and stinky bowel movements left by the front door of their private dorm rooms. 

Tyranny 101

Putin, Stalin, Hitler, and Kim Jong-un are all totalitarian douchenozzles. This course will look at actual authoritarian tyrannies to prove that Canada is not even close to absolute despotic tyranny.  

Science and Medicine

The recent Covid global pandemic has created safety measures that many paranoid douchenozzles believe are an opportunity for the government to punish and control them. We will debunk this idiotic notion using a patented vaccination neutralizer for the vaccines douchenozzles have already taken. Then the douchebags will be injected with Diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, Haemophilus influenza, Measles, mumps, rubella, and polio. As the douchenozzles start getting severely ill, they will come to understand that vaccinations, though not perfect, are generally pretty fucking good. 

Disinformation

This vital course will show the douchenozzles that their information is politically motivated, non-factual garbage. We will take a hard look at misinformation media outlets like:

Tyranny Canada, 

Science Schmience  

PrayerWorks.com

The White Privilege Daily  

We Control Everything Magazine 

We at the Spenny’s Centre for Deprogramming Douchenozzles believe that by teaching douchenozzles to be better informed Canadian citizens, we will make Canada the excellent libtard country the rest of us know and love. We will in no way discuss douchenozzlery that occurs on the Left because, in truth, I’m a douchenozzle too. 

 

Spencer Rice

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