Who The Fuck Eats A Pickle-In-A-Bag?

Jun 1, 2022

An insane person with no sense of taste or smell. That’s who.

Lochlin brought these up yesterday in the middle of a serious conversation about gun control. He needed a break.

You can grab these designer pickles online, and if you’re LUCKY, you might find one at your local gas station. They came out several years ago. This is Big Pickle’s attempt to crack the grab-n-go convenience store racket, and they’ve gone over like a fucking lead balloon because it’s a fucking pickle in a bag.

Van Holten’s is the market leader in disgusting gas station treats. I don’t mean to be shitty about “pickle-in-pouch.” Taste is subjective. I’ve never seen ANYONE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE eat a pickle because they are feeling snacky. Especially one that sits in a bag on a shelf unrefrigerated for a few months.

The target market for a pickle-in-pouch is a health-conscious soccer mom OR a drunk 60-year-old. That’s it. But good news! Van Holsten makes several flavors for those with a discerning pickle palate.

Sure, the packaging makes it look like you’re about to consume nuclear waste. Van Holten’s selling jars by the pickle, and the sodium and potassium in the pickle juice help with hangovers (that’s why it’s called Ukrainian Gatorade).

Room temperature pickle not in your snack wheelhouse? Tru the frozen pickle juice popsicle.

Do you want to trick your fat, drunk ass into thinking you’re eating dill pickle chips? Van Holsten’s has freeze-dried “Pickle Cutz.”  MMMM.

I yearn for the days when I could walk into the corner store, reaching my dirty 12-year-old hand into a jar of pickled eggs. I long for a time when I could finger bang a tub full of unwrapped beef jerky at Blockbuster. That’s what idiots did when they thought they were buying healthy snacks 20 years ago.

This bagged pickle stuff is for the weak.

We’re hermetically sealing pickles in brine like it’s the answer to gas station snacks in 2022, and I don’t recognize this world.

Pickles aren’t snacks. They’re a garnish AT BEST.

Fake News. They want you to pay Big Pickle prices for pickles. I don’t believe Big Pickle.

It’s bullshit.


PS: I’m an Indica away from eating these pickles. Everything changes when you’re high.




Dean Blundell

Dean Blundell is a Canadian radio personality. Best known as a longtime morning host on CFNY-FM (The Edge) in Toronto, Ontario. In 2015 he was named the new morning host on sports radio station CJCL (Sportsnet 590 The Fan). Dean started his career in radio in 2001 and for nearly 20 years been entertaining the radio audience. Dean’s newest venture is the launch of his site and podcast which is gaining tremendous momentum across North America.

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