Full Disclosure: If any of this sounds ridiculous or unfair, it should.

https://twitter.com/Skepti_Cat/status/1540540658154459137?s=20&t=vF5gDwBdVdVyD0tkYIyBCg

Now that forced birth is legal in the United States, it’s time to talk about ensuring all forced births are as healthy as possible, and this means regulating male sperm. As SCOTUS has noted, Americans need to ensure the domestic supply of infants is protected at all costs.

This means men can’t just eat what they like, play the sports they want, or even fly planes without ensuring they adhere to strict breaks in flying time to keep their little swimmers as healthy as possible. After all, sperm is no longer just ejaculated splooge. Sperm is where life begins!

Men will need to do so much to protect their sperm counts now.

No sports, no booze, no steak. After all, the domestic supply of infants is down, people!

We need to make sure men are taking care of their bodies for all the women they'll be impregnating now. #RoeVWade

— Abby (@abbythetweet) June 24, 2022

From now on, men – including those who have no desire to be fathers, because the domestic supply of infants is of greater concern – will need to eat regulated diets to boost their sperm count. No smoking anything, 24/7/365. After all, a woman can only get pregnant a few days a month. She can theoretically treat her body like a trash barge for three weeks without endangering a child, but men could impregnate someone once an hour if they only had the stamina. Their bodies should never be free from government regulation to ensure that most babies are under the greatest level of protection.

if you create sperm and can get someone pregnant, go get a vasectomy.
we are tired.

— chadchad (@thechadx2) June 24, 2022

Every masturbatory release of sperm is murder if unfertilized, so we’ll have to regulate this, too. Women, on the other hand, release no eggs and can therefore continue masturbating as desired.

SCOTUS opened up a can of worms today, which must’ve been difficult for a collection of feckless worms to do – and yet so easy at the same time because the worms were greased beforehand.