One of the things yours truly enjoys doing is taking a tweet that first looks dumb, and unpacking it to see just how hard it is actually is working.

Take this one from team Skippy the Wonder-Pigeon (for PM), for example:

Upon first reading, it simply looks like an easy-to-dismiss schoolyard: What?!? You called me a poopy-head?!? Nuh-uh! YOU’RE the poopy-head!! kind of deal.

But, let’s inspect this turd a bit closer to get a whiff of just how bad it truly smells, shall we?

“CBC pundit” [STOP! —  Frank Graves is a well-known applied social researcher, given he is the founder and president of EKOS Research Associates Inc, a public opinion research (or polling) company who, by virtue of the fact he is president of the company, frequently receives invitations to appear on news and public affairs programs to speak to his company’s work… as is his job/duty. The fact that the CBC is one of many media platforms that regularly extends an invitation to him is not sufficient to make him a “CBC Pundit”. Ask yourself: Why does Pierre need to lie to you about who Graves is? Why does he need to frame him in this way, as an opening bid?]

“threatens me” [STOP! — And so? You’ve been going around threatening to “fire the gatekeepers”, to teach the Bank of Canada what’s what on monetary policy, and “defund the CBC”. What? Only you have the right to go around threatening Canadians now; is that it? And, haven’t you threatened to defund CBC, like, waaaaaaaaaaay before alleged (by you) “CBC pundit” Frank Graves threatened you? And if he actually were a CBC pundit, then “defund the CBC” would literally be threatening his job, Dude!?!! And he’s just supposed to play ‘good puppy’ and show you his belly?!? Well, Shades of De Santis, Bulah, it’s starting to sound like that in the “Freest country on Earth (registered trademark)”, one is not exactly free to object to things without having the full weight of the office of the (guy pretending he’s running for) PM thrown back at you, eh?]

“The gatekeeping elites will try to destroy anyone who threatens their power” [ (insert eye-roll here) Oh the projection places we can go!! You literally have been an MP — you know, just the people who make the freaking laws — for about 18 years! Housing/Inflation is your big issue, yet you co-own a Calgary-area rental property through a real estate venture called Liberty West Properties Inc., and your wife rents a property to one of your colleagues; something you tried to spin as “helping” by making “affordable housing” available to “two deserving families” (we would like precise definitions for the words in quotes, please). It doesn’t get any more “gatekeepery” or elite than you! And given the hatchet job you tried to perform on Steamwhistle a few weeks ago, simply because they dared to publish a letter stating: Hey! It was just business. You were a paying customer. We took your money. That’s all it was, eh?!…  From where we are sitting, it is looking a lot like you are the one seeking to destroy anyone that objects to your quest for power.]

“I’m not backing down” [But could you? Watching you go is painful! I know, Kits; it is not part of the analysis, but I figured it was worth a shot.]

“Help me defund the CBC” [Because Frank Graves said on Twitter he would do everything he could — as is his right as a citizen — to engage in the political process to ensure you don’t win? That seems rather drastic. Shall we get you a fainting couch, Poodle?], “remove the gatekeepers” [These sound like more threats… And while we’re at it… Who are these mysterious and mythical gatekeepers?… Let’s drop some names here, Pepe… Tell us specifically, from which gatekeeping humans are you going to free us?], “and give you back control of your life” [(insert sound of record scratching here] Wait! What? The fact that an alleged (by you) CBC pundit vowed, on Twitter, to campaign against you, has removed my control of my life?!? How the Hell did that happen?!? Or wait… Is it the fact that the CBC exists and is funded by tax dollars that has made it such I’ve lost control of my life?! Well, that doesn’t sound right; because if that were true, it would mean that Canadians were pathetically weak. And since we’re not… (suspiciously) Heee-eeeeey…  I’m starting to get the sense this Pierre guy doesn’t really think too highly of us! Pierre, honey; if the CBC is that traumatizing to you, you don’t have to defund it. You can just watch another channel, and leave the CBC alone for those who like it. This doesn’t have to be an if I can’t have you, neither can they kind of situation.]

“Become a member to vote (web address)” [Whoever wrote this tweet for Pepe… They managed to pack this (see above) much bovine fecal matter into a maximum of 280 characters… and still had room for the promo line!!! Now’s that fucking impressive (slow clap)! I mean, it’s using one’s powers for ill rather than good, but whoever is writing Pepe’s sloppy and lazy thinking tweets is making them work reeeeeaaaaal hard for him].
That’s all I got for now, Kits.
Thank you for your attention, and until I next publish…

Be kind to, and gentle with, yourself,
Your Eager Beaver

*Updated to correct typos / provide clarity, 2002/05/02, 17:04 Eastern