Does Anyone Else Get “Poop Triggered” By Big Box Store/Grocery Shopping?
I noticed a trend as I was about 30 seconds away from a fecal disaster this weekend.
Retail shopping is a psycho-trigger for my bung piece, and I’m not alone.
There are stores that I go into that automatically trigger a "loaded chamber"….I don't know what it is.
Maybe something in their ventilation system but it almost happens 💯% of the time in these stores, usually with a full cart too— That's What She Said…. (@DatsWutSheSeed) March 9, 2024
I have a hard and fast rule: Never miss your poop window. I don’t play around with my digestive system. When it calls, I answer. I’ll move heaven and earth to do it, but once in a while, I gamble.
After 3 cups of coffee and a bowl of steel-cut oatmeal (I eat to poop), I took my son to work on a lazy Saturday morning. After a quick goodbye, I decided to go to a grocery store on the way home to grab supplies.
That’s when I felt “the panic.” Some discomfort, a little gas, and a bead of sweat started to make its way down my spinal column.
“There’s a shitter at the grocery store…I’ll just grab a couple of items and use the grocery store bathroom.”
“Maybe I should go home first, THEN hit the grocery store…”
“Nah, I can do this.”
I wheeled into the grocery store 8 minutes after the initial nervous system warning. I opened the door gingerly, slowly rolled out of the car, and tried to do a subtle poop shuffle into the grocery store.
Now I’m cramping, and the top of my head is starting to sweat. I feel nauseous as I grab a handheld cart, some bananas, and onions and walk gingerly through the produce section at 9 a.m. on a Saturday. As I arrive at the dairy cooler, I see the bathroom door with a punch code and a sign that says, “Please ask an employee to let you in.”
I’m now in full later, doubled over with Silk creamer, onions, and bananas in my cart, looking for a stock “person” to open the bathroom door because I AM DYING.
After locating a young man with the secret shitter code, we made our way back to the dairy section so Deaner could dance with the devil, only to see four other middle-aged dudes with asses full of shit lined up to do the same thing…
FUCK.
I cut bait. I shuffled to self-checkout and out to my car—with tears in my eyes—praying to a God I don’t believe in, “Please let me make it home, God, please.”
I made it, but some of us aren’t so lucky. We lose a lot of good men (and women) to the Saturday/Sunday morning retail shit panic.
Abandon cart. Drop anchor.
— Matt Pitcher (@mattypitch) March 9, 2024
I’ve been amazed at the shared issue of the “retail poop trigger.” I knew I had a problem going shopping with “the panic,” but I Had no idea how much worse it would get. Retail shopping has ALWAYS been a laxative for me, and I’m not alone.
My mom gets triggered by Winners and Ikea.
My Sister gets triggered in Marshalls and Walmart.
My friend Andrew has to drop a deuce every time he goes to golf town, and his wife feels the call of nature whenever she goes to The Pottery Barn.
For me? Ikea and grocery stores. I need to go in empty. Saturday was my fault, bunghole hubris compounded by retail anus syndrome.
There’s actual science behind this phenomenon. I found it when I googled “Why do I always have to poop when I go…and JACKPOT.”
Today: “…from a medical perspective, there isn’t a well-established scientific explanation for why this happens, “but it likely involves a combination of different factors.” He (Dr. Salhab) cites familiar smells triggering the reaction in some people, “and the quiet and peaceful atmosphere of certain retail stores is ideal for some individuals to have to use the restroom,” he says. On the other hand, the stress and excitement of shopping could cause an adrenaline response, leading other people to feel the same urge. In either scenario, “this highlights the complex ways in which our emotional states can impact the way our body functions,” he says.
View this post on Instagram
Smells, music, cortisone, adrenaline, familiarity. These are all factors your asshole picks up on when you’re leafing through cheap T-Shirts on a clearance rack or when you’re feeling melons at No Frills listening to Muzak.
The human body is AMAZING. If you’re not careful, it will sabotage your Saturday morning plans depending on the kind of retail experience you’re planning.
And never go shopping with one in the chamber. Trust me. It’s a gamble you don’t want to lose.
DB
Dean Blundell
Dean Blundell is a Canadian radio personality. Best known as a longtime morning host on CFNY-FM (The Edge) in Toronto, Ontario. In 2015 he was named the new morning host on sports radio station CJCL (Sportsnet 590 The Fan). Dean started his career in radio in 2001 and for nearly 20 years been entertaining the radio audience. Dean’s newest venture is the launch of his site and podcast which is gaining tremendous momentum across North America.
